Perdita Durango (Álex de la Iglesia, 1997)

Despite having a lead character who sports what I consider to be one of the greatest haircuts of all-time and opening with a shot of Rosie Perez's booty in all its mid-90s glory, I was still on the fence about Perdita Durango (a.k.a. Dance with the Devil), Álex de la Iglesia's raucous road movie about, well... I'll get to that in a minute. Then something occurred that caused me to sit up and take notice. No, not the scene where Harley Cross briefly recalls the time he lost his virginity to a rotund woman with an profound pair of sagittally symmetrical indentations on her lower back (pound that chaste cock into the ground, you chunky harlot, you... pound it!). I'm talking about the face Javier Bardem makes while listening "Spanish Flea" by Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass. I know, that's a weird thing to get excited about it, especially in a movie where James Gandolfini gets hit by a car not once, but twice. But what I can say? I'm sucker for scenes in movies that feature demented psychopaths with kick-ass haircuts making funny faces while listening to jazzy pop music as two blubbering blonde gringos cower in the backseat of said demented psychopath's car.

The mechanics surrounding how those blubbering blonde gringos ended up in the back of the car belonging to Romeo Dolorosa (Javier Bardem) is somewhat complicated, yet, it's also pretty straightforward at the same time.

If you were to tell me that the reason Romeo and Perdita Durango (Rosie Perez) plucked Duane (Harley Cross) and Estelle (Aimee Graham) off the streets of Juárez was for cannibal-related purposes, I would say that, yes, that's "pretty straightforward."

However, if you were to add the fact that both Romeo and Perdita develop crushes on Duane and Estelle (who are as white as their names imply), I would have no choice but to declare their particular situation "somewhat complicated."

Yet another movie that has cast some serious doubts on my previous claims about being alive during 1990s (I have no idea how I missed this film), Perdita Durango is one of the most well-made pieces of trash cinema I've ever had to pleasure to witness. I mean, check out that aerial shot of all those cars waiting at that Mexico-U.S.A. border crossing. The last film I saw with aerial photography this good would have to be Cavegirl. What I'm trying to say in my own clumsy way is that, I don't usually get to see films that sport complicated aerial photography. Seriously, it was like something out of a Michael Bay movie.

Later that night, near that very border crossing, Romeo spots Perdita Durango's reflection in the Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass compact disc he is currently holding. As Romeo approaches Perdita Durango, who is enjoying a cool beverage, I thought to myself: Nothing good can come from talking to a man with a haircut like that.

Short in the front and long in the back (with the sides shaved), Romeo's haircut is a force of nature in this film.

As she proves in the film's opening scene, Perdita Durango isn't the kind of woman you simply walk up and start a conversation with (earlier in the film, she shuts down the pedestrian advances of a lumpy gringo in an airport lounge). But, as we all know, judging by his haircut and his crazed demeanour, Romeo is no lumpy gringo. In other words, I think these two were made for each other.

When he's not taking the time to inspect the breasts of attractive bank tellers in the middle of a bank robbery, or having exuberant sexual intercourse with Perdita Durango on a rickety old bed (there's no way that bed can handle the Latin-tinged thrusts Romeo's workmanlike pelvis puts out there on a regular basis), Romeo conducts bizarre "voodoo style" rituals for tourists and superstitious locals.

Usually involving blood-spitting and bongo music, the first show of this type we see is well-attended, and... Wait a minute, who's that in that back with the video camera? Why, it's Willie Dumas (James Gandolfini), an officer with the DEA.

It would seem that the DEA want to bust Romeo for a series of drug-related offenses. Only problem being, they can never seem to catch him in the act. We're clued in early on as to why this could be, when we see Romeo employ a magic necklace to great effect to pass through customs unmolested. Except, he wasn't trying to smuggle drugs into the U.S., he was trying to smuggle a dead body; one that we later see him use in his "voodoo style" ritual show.

Figuring he can get to Romeo through Perdita Durango, James Gandolfini follows her around town. While an excellent plan on paper, James Gandolfini clearly forgot about the importance of looking both ways before crossing the street. Now, it might not sound like it, but the sight of James Gandolfini getting hit by a car is one of the funniest scenes in the movie. I don't want to over-analyze the reasons why I thought the sight of James Gandolfini's body crashing into the windshield of a speeding automobile was funny. But I will say this, the bulk of the humour came as a direct result of the arrogant air that floated around James Gandolfini's nimbus just before he started to cross the street.

At around this point in film we're introduced to Duane and Estelle, two relatively clean cut American teens. While their introduction seems unrelated to the Romeo and Perdita Durango saga, as we'll soon find out, their respective lives will soon intersect something fierce.

Blessed with some downtime before they do a job for a gangster named Santo (Don Stroud)–a job that has them transporting a trucked filled with frozen human embryos–Romeo and Perdita Durango decide to kidnap a couple of gringos to use in their next "voodoo style" ritual. And wouldn't you know it, they pluck a couple of blonde gringos named Duane and Estelle.

Even though it's best known as the song that appears at the end of Flirting with Disaster, I thought the way "Camel Walk" by Southern Culture on the Skids used in this film was more appropriate. You wouldn't think the same could said for "Spanish Flea" by Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass, but, as I stated earlier, the sight of Javier Bardem dancing–whilst in the seated position–to this particular ditty is awesome.

Will Duane and Estelle be able to survive their insane road trip with Romeo and Perdita Durango? Will James Gandolfini remember to look both ways before crossing the street? Who's to say? Of course, I realize I'm the one "to say." But I feel like I've already said too much.

Boasting not one, but two shoot outs (three, if you include the finale), a sexy Mexican stoner chick with killer thighs who doesn't "get" anime, Mascaras de la Lucha Libre, a gruesome death involving a bottle, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, an Ava Gardner assisted blow job, Alex Cox as an annoying DEA agent and a scene where a man over fifty-five uses an Abflex while watching The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Perdita Durango is a first-rate crime movie with darkly comedic overtones.

Straight to Hell (Alex Cox, 1987)

Warning: The following may contain words and pictures that promote the notion that: A) Courtney Love is sexy as a pregnant gangster's moll (sit on that jukebox, you leggy hosebeast, you). And B) Courtney Love is an okay actress. What am I saying, "may contain"? Oh, believe me, this review of Straight to Hell will most definitely contain a crapload of notions that promote the off-kilter shapeliness that is Courtney Love. If that's the case, why am I giving you a warning? Somewhere back in the recesses of my mind, I must know that Courtney Love isn't the type of person you can openly heap praise on, at least not acting praise. I mean, she's not like, say, Mink Stole or Mary Woronov, people who are universally beloved. Show me, by the way, someone who doesn't like Mink Stole or Mary Woronov, and I'll show you one seriously disturbed individual. At any rate, it's obvious that Courtney Love and the rest of cast of Repo Man and Sid and Nancy all answered their phones when the pride of Bebington (Don't fuck with The Wirral!), Alex Cox, called 'em up asking them to appear in his wacked out tribute to Sam Peckinpah and Sergio Leone, because they're all in it.

(Even Zander Schloss and Xander Berkeley?) Yep, even them. Remember all those hot punk chicks who hung around The Sex Pistols in Alex Cox's Sid and Nancy? Well, they're all in it as well. And, yes, that also includes the ultra-gorgeous Michele Winstanley. You might remember her, she makes a great face when that guy at The Sex Pistols concert says he doesn't want to be a punk anymore.

Oh, man, I just realized that having most of the cast of Repo Man and Sid and Nancy in this movie doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be smooth sailing. If anything, the film could be just one long reminder of how good they were in those films.

No doubt leading to moments like: Hey, there's Sy Richardson, wasn't he amazing as Lyte in Repo Man? Or, look, that's Sara Sugarman! I loved her as Abby National in Sid and Nancy ("Sugar man, won't you hurry / 'cos I'm tired of these scenes").

While there's some of that going on for sure. The film does manage to create its own unique universe. In other words, it's not really fair to call this Sid and Nancy: The Western or Repo Man II: The Legend of Otto's Gold.

However, no matter how you spin it, the film is still a mess. Right, Grace Jones and Dennis Hopper?

Just as I was about to give up on this film, along comes Jennifer Balgobin in a pair of pink shorts. Instructed to wash Miguel Sandoval's motorcycle, Jennifer Balgobin, who plays Fabienne, goes outside with a bucket of soapy water. Opening her brown trench coat with much fanfare, Jennifer Balgobin, who is wearing, like I said, pink shorts, and a pink, cut-off tank-top with the words "Hot Property" written on it, proceeds to clean Miguel's bike in an erotic manner.

You gotta envy the eyeballs belonging to Sy Richardson, Joe Strummer and Dick Rude. I mean, to witness such a titillating display up close like that, it doesn't get any better than this. Or does it? I'll get to whether it does in a minute.

I think might have spoke too soon regarding Courtney Love's performance in this movie. Don't get me wrong, the sight of a barefoot and pregnant Miss Love sitting provocatively on that jukebox is a enough to power a thousand misguided erections, but every time she would open her mouth, a small amount of blood would ooze from my ears.

(I thought you liked shrill and unpleasant women?) Yeah, but not that shrill and unpleasant. Where's Chloe Webb when you need her?

Since I can't go back in time and stop Alex Cox from casting her, let's soldier on, shall we? Look, the film stars as Sy Richardson, as the forthright Norwood (the inspiration for Samuel L. Jackson's Jules in Pulp Fiction perhaps?), Joe Strummer as the oily-haired Simms and Dick "Let's Go Get Sushi and Not Pay" Rude plays Willy. In other words, the film is still salvageable as far as entertainment goes.

Oh, it's salvageable, all right... Salsa y ketchup. Salsa y ketchup. Salsa y ketchup. Salsa y ketchup. Salsa y ketchup. Salsa y ketchup. Salsa y ketchup... Salva-fuckin'-geable!

The characters I just mentioned, in addition to Courtney Love, who plays Velma, Norwood's pregnant girlfriend, rob a bank in, oh, let's say, Mexico (the film was shot in Spain), and flee into the desert. When their car breaks down, they bury the loot (about four suitcases stuffed with money), and walk to a nearby town.

From what I gathered, the plan is to stay in the town until things blow over. Only problem being, the town is home to an unruly gang of gun-totting coffee drinkers.

When Norwood, Simms and Willy save two of the gun-totting coffee drinkers (Shane MacGowan and Spider Stacy of The Pogues) from a group of bounty hunters, Frank McMahon (Biff Yeager), the leader of the powerful McMahon Clan, welcomes the outsiders with opens arms.

While trying to buy nails from a local merchant named George (Miguel Sandoval), Simms gets his first glimpse of Jennifer Balgobin's Fabienne. Like any ex-member The Clash would do, Simms leaps on her with an enthusiastic jelonka ogłoszenia. Now, if you're worried about George getting upset by this untoward yet totally reasonable display, fear not, for he is in the back looking for nails.

The next day boasts the scene where Jennifer Balgobin washes Miguel Sandoval's motorcycle in pink shorts. I used to always say that Jennifer Balgobin's best work is in Alex Cox's Repo Man and Stephan Sayadian's Dr. Caligari. Well, now that I've seen Straight to Hell, I feel it's time to change my opinion. That's right, if you love Jennifer Balgobin, and I mean, really love Jennifer Balgobin, than Straight to Hell needs to be injected into your nervous system immediately. I don't care if her accent is a tad on the wonky side, this is the movie to see for all your J-Gob needs.

While Simms is getting all riled up by Fabienne, Willy's motor is more in tune with Louise (Michele Winstanley). Taking her to the local cemetery to visit her grandmother's grave, Willy declares his love for Louise. This, of course, doesn't go as planned, and Willy ends up dirty, sexually frustrated and alone.

It should be noted that almost everyday while the foursome are in town ends with a song: Day One ends with a performance of the song "Delilah" by Kim Blousson (Fox Harris), with Elvis Costello on guitar; day three ends with a performance of "Danny Boy" by Cait O'Riordan; and day four ends with not with a song, but random acts of violence and cameos by Grace Jones and Dennis Hopper.

Which leads to the final day, where Norwood, Simms and Willy wind up taking on the entire McMahon Clan in a large-scale, Wild Bunch-style shoot 'em up.

What's that? I forgot to mention the song that ends day two. That's weird. No, it's just that the song that ends day two just happens to be featured in what I now consider one of the greatest scenes in movie history. And get this, it has nothing to do with the massive slit on Jennifer Balgobin's dress or the robust nature of Michele Winstanley's jet black ponytail.

Everyone be quiet, because someone has requested that Karl (Zander Schloss), proprietor of Karl's Disco Wiener Haven, perform his theme song, "Salsa y Ketchup." Picked on and abused throughout the movie, Karl's unexpected triumph is the epitome of awesome.

Maybe it's because the song has lyrics such as: "Sizzle, they grizzle, you step up to the griddle, Salsa y Ketchup, you tell me and I'll fetch up," or maybe it was Karl's twitchy demeanor. Whatever it was, this scene turned what was up until then a mildly entertaining pseudo-spaghetti western into a genuine cult classic.

Sid and Nancy (Alex Cox, 1986)

It's a movie about punk rock. And it's also a movie about drug abuse. But to me, Alex Cox's Sid and Nancy will always be, first and foremost, a movie about love. Yep, as sappy as it might sound, I consider this here motion picture to be one of the most romantic, life affirming films ever made. Sure, it doesn't end well. But, hey, for the short time they were together, their love for one another was truly inspirational. There's a scene midway into the film never fails to tug at my heart strings (and, yes, I've seen this film at least a dozen times). It's the one where Sid Vicious, the sort of bass player for the seminal British punk band The Sex Pistols telephones his American girlfriend Nancy Spungen while on tour in the U.S.A. Even though their conversation ends like all their conversations do, in a slurred cacophony of  coarse put-downs and drug-fueled non-sequiturs, nothing makes me happier than seeing Nancy's reaction to when Sid tells her that he not only misses her but loves her as well. Assuming that Sid, "the punk rock superstar," would forget about her once he got a taste of fame and fortune in America, Nancy's eyes light up when she learns that Sid hasn't forgotten about his shrieking violet.

Furthermore, the fact that everyone around Sid thinks Nancy is an annoying hosebeast does nothing but intensify my Nancy-based rooting interest. Maybe I'm not hooked up right, but I'm still waiting for my Nancy Spungen to come along and sweep me off my feet, get me hooked on heroin and book me gigs at Max's Kansas City. I know, that's a weird thing to say, but some people need a Nancy Spungen in their life.

It's true, I have a soft spot for brash, forthright women who look amazing in fishnet pantyhose and/or stockings. But I think Nancy Spungen is more than just a woman, she represents an idea. For those of us who have no clue when it comes to maintaining healthy human relationships, the Nancy Spungen's of this world cut through all the noise by doing the majority of the heavy lifting for you.

In the documentary, Who Killed Nancy?, it's implied that Sid Vicious would have never approached a woman like Nancy Spungen. Well, in this fictionalized version of their story, Nancy, an American living in London, England (she's basically a starfucker), does make the first move (she forces her way into bed with him, and by "bed" I mean the floor of a flophouse). But Sid is no wallflower.

The question who hit on who first doesn't really matter in the end, as Sid is the one who is currently bathing one of Nancy's feet with inside of his mouth. And get this, the foot he's slobbering all over was seconds earlier ensnared in black fishnet pantyhose. In order to get at her toes in a more efficient manner, Sid proceeds to extract the foot he wants to devour from its nylon prison with a serious of punk-friendly tearing motions.

What I'm getting at is, Nancy is clearly the one wearing the fishnet pantyhose in this relationship.

In a strange twist, when we first meet Nancy Spungen (Chloe Webb), she's wearing blue jeans(!). Her dominatrix friend, Linda (Anne Lambton), is actually the first to be seen wearing fishnets in the movie. No, it's true.

When Sid Vicious (Gary Oldman) and his pal Johnny (Andrew Schofield) come over to see Linda–you know, to cover her walls with graffiti and eat baked beans, the former gets his first glimpse of Nancy Spungen. However, since Nancy is not wearing fishnets or any leather whatsoever, Sid doesn't give much thought to her. The feeling seems to be mutual, as Nancy doesn't even seem to know which wanker is which (she calls Sid "Johnny").

This all changes when Nancy sees Sid's band, The Sex Pistols, in concert for the very first time. Literally getting in-between Sid and Johnny while they were sleeping, Nancy lies next Sid, basically kicking Johnny to the curb (who leaves while muttering something about sex being ugly and boring).

The next day, Sid watches as some git throws a pint in Nancy's face at a pub. Outside the pub, Sid finds a distraught Nancy smashing her fists against a wall. Just after Nancy mumbles the immortal words, "Never trust a junkie," Sid asks her if she can score him any drugs. Giving her a wad of cash, Sid watches as Nancy hops on a bus. Call me a cynic, but I don't think Sid's going to see that bird again.

Oh, and it should be noted Nancy Spungen is now dressed like Nancy Spungen. Meaning, her sexy body is sheathed in fishnets and leather.

Even though London is a large city, Sid, along with his friend, Wally Hairstyle (Graham Fletcher-Cook), who is wearing a red leather jacket, stumble upon Nancy. Well, they stumble upon a couple of bags containing her belongings first. At any rate, as Wally helps put Nancy's clothes back in her bags (they have spilled all over the street), Sid yells at Nancy, "What about my drugs?!?"

I don't know what was going on in England at the time, but judging by the behaviour of Sid and Johnny in the opening scene (they're seen kicking in the windshield of a Rolls-Royce), there was definitely something in the air that was making them act this way. Another example of this unruly behaviour occurs when Sid and Nancy are walking to Wally's gaff to shoot up, when we see a bunch of kids coming from school. Smashing car hoods with their field hockey sticks as they went, these kids are clearly deranged. Or maybe they were just a reflection of society?

If you look closely, you'll notice a Tori billboard that reads "Labour Isn't Working." You have to admit, that's almost interesting. And I hate say it, but "Labour Isn't Working" is one of the best political slogans of all-time.

Enough about British politics. I was going to inquire as to why Johnny and the other members of The Sex Pistols not named Sid Vicious were wearing angora sweaters during a studio session. But then I remembered seeing a picture of Vivianne Westwood in an angora sweater from the period and it made perfect sense; she designed the bands clothes.

It's during the angora sweater replete studio session that we first hear the full-force of Nancy's strident American accent and it's also the one where Sid kisses Nancy's right foot.

The scene where The Sex Pistols play a concert on a boat on the Thames highlights where Sid's priorities are. Not even bothering to appear on stage, Sid spends most of the time either with Nancy or asking Malcolm (David Hayman), the band's crafty manager, for drug money.

Since it's apparently illegal to hold concerts on boats in the middle of the Thames, the police put a stop to the show. As the boat comes ashore, the police are waiting. The band, the band's management, and dozens of punks scatter, as the police show up wielding billy clubs.

Walking arm in arm in a calm manner, Sid and Nancy leave the area unmolested. The scene is hauntingly beautiful, as chaos reigns all around the oblivious couple... and the music of Pray For Rain plays on the soundtrack.

My favourite line occurs soon afterward when Nancy says, "I'll never look like Barbie. Barbie doesn't have bruises."

The biggest test for Sid and Nancy's relationship is when Nancy is told she can't travel with The Sex Pistols for their doomed American tour.

However, it's during the tour, as you all know, that Sid calls Nancy and declares his love for her. The fact Nancy is dressed in black opera gloves, fishnet stockings and thigh-high boots when she receives this call makes the scene all the more sweeter.

After a brief trip to Paris, the action moves to New York City, where Sid and Nancy set up shop at the Chelsea Hotel. In one the film's funniest bits, Sid is unaware that he's in New York City; despite the fact they have been there for a week. He confirms his location by looking out the window.

Even though the film looks great from start to finish, the New York chapter has a certain quality about it. Photographed by famed cinematographer Roger Deakins, the New York scenes have a grittiness about them that is strangely dream-like.

The film's most famous scene, the alleyway garbage rain kiss, captures this dream-like aura best. And like the "off the boat" scene, the alleyway garbage rain kiss features the amazing music of Pray For Rain.

While it's obvious to most people that Sid and Nancy have a drug problem. Some might need convincing (I know, who are these people? But still, please bear with me). Well, what better way to do so than have Xander Berkley play Sid and Nancy's drug dealer. I mean, you know you have hit rock bottom when Xander Berkeley shows up in your life. A "Methadone Caseworker" played by Sy Richardson tries to steer Sid and Nancy in the right direction, but it's way too late, these two are doomed.

In typical Gary Oldman fashion, I would some times forget that he was in this. In other words, there were moments when I thought Sid Vicious was playing himself. But as anyone who has seen the film or knows anything about punk rock history will tell you, that would be physically impossible.

Unafraid to appear skanky or uncouth, and definitely unafraid to come across as loud and obnoxious, Chloe Webb continues the tradition of American actresses giving fearless performances for British film directors. The others being, off the top of my head: Theresa Russell in Track 29 (Nicholas Roeg), Cathy Moriarty in White of the Eye (Donald Cammell) and Kathleen Turner in Crimes of Passion (Ken Russell). So, yeah, Sid and Nancy is pretty much the most romantic movie ever.