Wednesday, February 5, 2014

C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (David Irving, 1989)

When there's no more room in hell, the dead shall do aerobics in leopard print leotards. Oh, yeah. "Im a walkin', I'm a talkin', I'm a stalkin'. Coming into your room tonight! Bud the Chud, Bud the Chud, Bud the Chud." Ahh! I can't get the theme from C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud out of my head. Damn. Why must you torture me so, theme from CHUD II: Bud the Chud, the inexplicably awesome sequel to C.H.U.D.? In most zombie movies, I feel sorry for the people being chased by the mindless corpses. However, in this movie, I actually envied them. Why, you ask? It's simple, really, I want to march down the street with Gerrit Graham and Jo Ann Dearing chanting,  "Eat 'em up! Eat 'em up! Yum! Yum! Yum!" every so often. (Aren't you worried about getting your throat torn out?) That's the thing, the Chuds in this movie don't tear out throats. (Don't tear out throats?!? What kind of zombie movie is this?) It's wacky. It's goofy. It's stupid. It's C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud. In the other words, this is one zombie movie that doesn't play by the rules. Even though I have a sneaking suspicion the reason there's no throat tearing or throat ripping (there's a difference) in this film was to save money on special effects, I liked the fact there wasn't much gore. Besides, Gerrit Graham and Jo Ann Dearing look way hotter without rotting flesh dangling off their lips. (Um, I think you made a mistake.) Where? (You accidentally included Gerrit Graham when you sanely stated that the super-sexy Jo Ann Dearing would look way hotter without rotting flesh dangling off their lips.)

Oh, that was no accident. (You mean to say?) That's exactly what I mean to say. Since everyone who has seen this film will probably agree, let's all say it together, shall we? Are you ready? On the count of three. 1, 2, 3: Gerrit Graham is freakin' hot as Bud, the world's most adorable lovesick chud zombie. That's right, he's a walkin', he's a talkin', he's a stalkin', and hopefully (finger crossed) he'll be coming into my room tonight; if you know what I mean.

Looking like the lead singer of The Damned, Gerrit Graham is Bud the Chud, a C.H.U.D. who is being kept alive by the military for nefarious purposes. (I'm no C.H.U.D. expert, but Bud looks nothing like the Chuds who appeared in the first movie.)

Okay, this was bound to come up. I won't lie, I was kind of hoping that this was going to the first review of C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud in the long, storied history of C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud reviews to not mention the fact that it's nothing like C.H.U.D., but I'm afraid I can't hold out much longer.

This is the last time I'm going to say this, as I would much rather be waxing in the most perverted manner possible about creaminess of Tricia Leigh Fisher's alabaster thighs, the only thing C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud and C.H.U.D. have in common are the letters C-H-U-D.

Great, now that I got that out of the way, let's type a bunch of words about C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud, shall we? Where should we start? Well, I should state right off the bat that this film sort of sucks. However, I'm not going to let a little thing like that get in the way of what I hope will be a mildly entertaining review.

It's a good thing Nicolas Pike's industrial/ambient-sounding score is getting its chance to stretch its musical wings in early going, 'cause the opening five minutes of this film are pretty dull.

Depressed that the C.H.U.D. research program has been cancelled, it would seem that Colonel Masters' dream of building an army of C.H.U.D. soldiers is as good as dead. Wait a minute, word has just come in that the last C.H.U.D., a Mr. Oliver, a.k.a. Bud the Chud (Gerrit Graham), has escaped from the lab. When Colonel Masters deploys a sly smirk upon hearing this news, I was beside myself  with joy when I realized that is was Robert Vaughn who was deploying said sly smirk. Come to think of it, Robert Vaughn deploys a well-oiled sly smirk in Black Moon Rising as well. (Really? If that's the case, you could call Robert Vaughn the king of the sly smirk.)

The reason for the sly smirk is because he knows the C.H.U.D program isn't quite dead yet. And with some help from his primary lackey, Graves (Larry Cedar), Colonel Masters manages to re-capture the wayward C.H.U.D. (they freeze it) and send it off to the Centre for Disease Control in Winterhaven.

Meanwhile, in another part of Winterhaven, Steve Williams (Brian Robbins), and his Richard Marx haircut, are about to wow their fellow students at the local high school with a biology experiment that involves zapping a frog with electricity. As expected, given his goofy demenour, the experiment fails (he nearly sets the school on fire). And because of this, Steve and his less goofy but still nerdy friend Kevin (Bill Calvert), are forced to clean up the biology supply room.

Stumbling across a human cadaver their teacher was planning on using in a future class, Steve and Kevin for some strange decide to roll it out onto the street. Actually, they didn't "decide" to lose their teacher's cadaver, it just sort of happened by accident. Either way, Steve and Kevin need to find a replacement body or else they're in big trouble.

Can you see where this is going? Stealing Bud's body from the CDC, with the help of their lovely brunette gal pal, Katie (Tricia Leigh Fisher), Steve and Kevin take the body home to... Now, they're was a bit of an argument over whose house the body should stay at. But it's ultimately decided that they should store Gerrit Graham's corpse at Steve's house.

I'm glad they chose Steve's house because I doubt Kevin or Katie's moms are as alluring as Steve's mom. I mean, damn, that is one sexy mama. The way Melissa Williams (the sultry Sandra Kerns) sat with her legs crossed as she watched a nature documentary about Alaska (one that erroneously featured penguins) with her husband Wade (Jack Riley) practically screamed, "I'm a leggy milf in heat, put your tongue on my clit now." Of course, does Wade notice this? No. I know, this is not a softcore porno, it's C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud, but a cursory glance in the general direction of her expertly crossed stems would have been nice.

After what is essentially an extended Weekend at Bernie's parody (Steve and Kevin struggle to get the lifeless corpse into the house without Melissa and Wade knowing), the film finally gets down to business. And what business is that, you might ask? Well, firstly, the film unleashes the comedic genius that is Gerrit Graham. Since no one wants to watch a movie about a couple of dorks carrying around a dead guy (fans of Weekend at Bernies, notwithstanding), the awaking of Gerrit Graham's Bud was much appreciated.

And secondly, the slow role out of "Bud the Chud," music by Nicholas Pike, lyrics by Cynthia Garris, and performed by Kipp Lennon begins in earnest. We get our first taste of "Bud the Chud" some time between the part where Bud chudifies Jasper, Steve's pet poodle, and the moment when Bud peers into the window of Susan (Jo Ann Dearing) as she's doing aerobics in a leopard print leotard and gold legwarmers.

Let's all take a moment and bask in the awesomeness that Jo Ann Dearing's succulent thighs encased in a leopard print leotard. Oh, and while you're basking in that, make sure to bask a little in her reading of the line: "You little Neo-Nazi anorexic leotard slut" (she yells that the aerobics instructor on the teevee).

At first I was worried that this was it as far as Jo Ann Dearing in C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud went. But, as you will see, she plays a vital role in Bud's ever growing Chud army.

Discovering Katie's picture in Steve's room, Bud has two goals in life: #1 - Increase the ranks of his Chud army. #2 - Woo Katie. Does Katie know that the hottest Chud in town has a major crush on her? Not yet. But when she does, I don't think she's going to be too receptive to his advances. (Why not?) Are you serious? He's a Chud. (So?) They bite people!

Recruiting the town barber, the mailman, a local farmer, Norman Fell, a chick in overall shorts, a fry cook, Jasper the poodle, and, of course, a major babe in a leopard print leotard, Bud's Chud army decide to crash the Halloween Dance at Steve's high school.

However, before you can say, "This Chud's for you," Katie has a trick up her sleeve. (Huh?) While Bud and the rest of the Chuds are trying to figure out a way  to bite a bunch of teens who are dancing wildly to "Brave New Dance" by Wall of Voodoo, Katie volunteers her creamy thighs to help destroy the Chuds once and for all. (Again, huh?)

Okay, Steve and Kevin figure a way to kill all the Chuds at once. It involves luring them into the school's swimming pool, freezing them, then zapping them with electricity. While that sounds simple enough, how do you get them into the pool? Exactly, you use Katie's alabaster thighs as bait.

And what's the best way to display Katie's thighs? You got it, have her slip into a skimpy black bathing suit, one that accentuates her thighs and hips. Done and done.

I can't stress this enough, C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud is stupid. But I found lot's, as you can clearly see, to like about it. The theme song, which, like I said, is slowly unveiled as the film progressed, is catchy beyond belief, Robert Vaughn seemed to be channeling George C. Scott from Dr. Strangelove, Rich Hall is mildly hilarious as a barber customer and Gerrit Graham and Jo Ann Dearing both have terrific comic timing. The only real sore spot would have to be Brian Robbins as Steve, his delivery when it came to spouting one-liners was awful. That being said, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, I highly recommend C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud; it's Chud-tastic. Eat 'em up! Eat 'em up! Yum! Yum! Yum!

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