Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Christina (Francisco Lara Polop, 1984)

All her life, clothes have been a hindrance, a crutch, if you will. Naked is the only state she feels comfortable in. You see, her supple skin needs to feel the gentle caress of nature's breath at all times. This is especially true in regard to her sensitive nipples, which weep openly when cloaked in fabric. It's a woeful affliction to be sure, but such is the made-up dilemma that plagues Christina Von Belle, the protagonist of Christina, an erotic adventure film that whispers incoherent sweet nothings in your ear and dares you not to appreciate the fleshy splendour that is Jewel Shepard: actress, model, author, human being extraordinaire. Mining the same titillating territory that Emmanuelle and its many sequels plundered in the 1970s, the sensuous and unintentionally hilarious film directed by Francisco Lara Polop jettisons the sylphlike Sylvia Kristel and her European naivete for the more brash Brooklyn-reared hotness of Miss Shepard. Boasting a body that would cause most mortals to send one (or both) of their hands directly down the front of their pants (or jean skirt), the full-bosomed renaissance woman plays a jet setting heiress named Christina, a woman who is famous the world over for her voguish clothing (when she finds the time to keep them on) and lavish lifestyle (roomy saunas and champagne soaked discos are her haunts of choice). However, this high profile comes with a price, as every unscrupulous fiend in the Mediterranean wants a piece of her shapely ass, exquisite thighs, gravity mocking breasts, and luscious lips. Never in all years of watching erotic travelogues directed by obscure men with comical names, and not to mention, featuring scenes of lesbian bondage, have I seen a character kidnapped so many times in my life. If Christina didn't look like Jewel Shepard, I'd start to question the logic of these people. But she does look like the sexy starlet, so the over-kidnapping made perfect sense to me.

The film's erotic centrepiece focuses on Christina's bizarre imprisonment on this island that populated entirely by the staunchly Sapphic members of a militant women's group led by Karin Schubert (I think the group's name was "The Ten of November"). Anyway, these tough ladies fight for the right, scratch that, fight for the "honour" to rub up against the smooth yet accurately bumpy frame of the sought after enchantress. The fight choreography had a real clumsy quality about it. In that, I don't think I saw an actual blow come even close to landing, and the dialogue seemed ham-fisted. Luckily, the film overall is a tad lacking in the talking department, as highlighted by the sight of Jewel wandering around the ruins of an ancient castle in nothing but a white t-shirt for what seemed like an eternity.

Sporting a pair of the most comprehensible gams ever to dangle from a living being, Jewel Shepard dominates the screen, and counteracts the rest of the casts utter lameness with the greatest ease as the feisty Christina. A juicy morsel with a highly-developed body to be sure, but the fact that Jewel's winning personality managed to rise to surface on a number occasions was a testament to her talent.

Sure, every other scene features some horny miscreant trying to tear off her clothes, and I mean that literally, as they were constantly clawing at her skimpy apparel, but Jewel repeatedly shrugged off these pawing incompetents and always ended up landing her feet. Which, of course, end up dancing au naturel at a sleazy disco with a gaggle of over privileged layabouts and oil tycoons. And she wouldn't want it any other way. Truly, a woman for '80s. Christina is The Playgirl of the Western World.

I can't wait to see what kind of adventures Christina Von Belle gets into in her next film. Oh, that's right, they didn't make any others. Which is a shame, because I quite enjoyed watching Jewel Shepard have toy cars driven across her sexy contours of world class organic structure by leather glove-wearing perverts every ten minutes. The way that miniature tractor trailer drove near the furry perimeter of Jewel's substantial naughty area brought a tear to my eye. A shame, indeed.

video uploaded by Jewel Shepard


  1. The eternal question....dirt bike versus horse. BTW, how do you dive into the surf and walk out with perfectly quaffed hair? It lso appears Ms. Shepperd is in Hollywood Hot Tubs 2 "Educating Crystal":

  2. Call me crazy, but I've always wanted to see Hollywood Hot Tubs 2.